F*ck that, i’m a Mother!!!

I am not a person who curses a lot. Well, anymore. Since having my son, I’ve realized that he is like a sponge and will imitate everything that I do, so I’ve had to make a concerted effort to reduce the potty mouth I was once regaled for and proud of. However, when I am repeatedly asked, “what do you do”, sometimes, I want to come up with an elaborate title like child development researcher, family development specialist, or Chief Financial Officer that makes “stay-at-home mother” sound more sophisticated. Then there are other times that I want drop all pretenses and scream at the top of my lungs, “F*ck that, I’m a mother!

That may sound crazy, but the fact that initially, I couldn’t say that I stay home with my son with pride is what really bothered me. I had to really think through why I would let someone else make me feel even an ounce of shame about something that I am not only proud of, but put a lot of thought into. I think it’s partly because when your answer is that you stay at home with your kid(s), people make flash judgments about you that are generally negative (uneducated, lazy, or pampered and spoiled, etc), and it is evident in the way the rest of the conversation goes. After experiencing vacant stares, looks of pity, and a noticeable disinterest in continuing the conversation a few times, you can start to get defensive and even insecure about your choice.

Staying home with my son was a conscious decision that I made with my husband. I was raised by a single mother who worked all the time and didn’t always have time to help my sisters and I with homework, or spend any real quality time because any down time she had, she was catching up on rest. I knew that I didn’t want to work, and come home to “the second shift” too tired to play with or give attention to my kids. I wanted my children to have the best of me, and more importantly, I wanted to be involved in their lives.

Most people that know me, especially female relatives were surprised and even somewhat disappointed in my decision, because almost all of them work outside the home. It was expected that I would do the same. They said that I didn’t strike them as the type to want to stay home with my kids, and that I was wasting my college education and career opportunities that I will never get back. My retort to them has been that this is time I will never get back with my son, and that is more important to me than any career opportunities that may or may not have been available to me. My college education will be put to good use in homeschooling my son, and utilizing my knowledge to start businesses that will afford me the opportunities that I really want and will allow me to spend time with my family.

I found comfort in knowing that I am not the only one in my generation who feels the same way. In 2006, the Census Bureau found that of 23.3 million married couples with children under 15 years old, almost 20% of those couples had stay-at-home mothers, a 19% increase from 1994. (U.S. Census Bureau, 2007) A discussion was started about the “Opt-out Revolution” in 2003 with a New York Times article Lisa Belkin wrote, bringing up the point that educated women are leaving the workplace to stay home with their families. More articles discuss women of Generation X, in particular, going to school, getting advanced degrees, and then deciding that being home is more important. Quite a few of the women cite their mothers being in the workforce and not having enough time to spend with them as part of the reason they decided to stay home.

I know for me, not wanting to repeat my mothers mistakes was a factor, but more than anything, I knew that no one else would take care of my child like I will. I know what my child likes to eat and I can make it for him just the way he likes it, his sleep patterns determine what we do for the day, which not only gives me opportunities to nap too, but also makes me slow down, and not stress about having to get everything done.

Not only that, my son makes me live a fuller life. I started riding a bike again, with him in his little seat on the handlebars and we ride everywhere in our city. We go to baby and me yoga classes, he’s about to learn to swim, and we’re involved in our local Metroparks activities so much that everyone knows us by name. I would never be able to do any of these things if I was working outside the home, and I am thankful to be able to experience this life with him. So, for him, I will gladly sacrifice a career, keep working on reducing my “potty mouth”, and proudly proclaim, “I’m a mother” when asked what I do for a living!